söndag 23 februari 2014

It's hard to tell which side of me is in the right, with these two different people inside of me fighting for my life.

My game just came & i'm so excited, waiting for it to finish downloading! Yaay.
Mom is out & talking a walk so she's out for almost an hour, all alone.

I made raspberry curd awhile ago, so tasty & healthy. Good to dip apples in.

...

Oh god i just ate four ice cream cones... Oh lord i'm a fatty, how am i supposed to lose weight when i stuff my face with ice cream. It's good that i haven't eaten so much before that, i think.
& i walked to dad before but that won't solve my fat problem...

I hope mom comes & get me soon.

...

Oh god i haven't written in a few days... I can't believe i haven't cut in about 10 days or something, i was really close to doing it yesterday & today but i made it... I'm supposed to be happy about it but i'm not. They're still not healed.

...

Okay just to make things clear there are a few days in between these "..." Sorry for not writing so much i just haven't feeling for it, it's been a crappy fat week..

I came thinking of the day i threw my blades away & why it were so easy & it' because i have another one but i just haven't taken it out yet. I'm afraid i'm going tonight but it really doesn't matter anymore.
I've been eating crap this week, as you can tell by above & that i have been eating a little candy ( chocolate ) Not much but still..

Nothing's alright anymore & it haven't been for a very long time, my self-harm started for about 1 & a half year ago i think, it's been going on & off but it haven't been as bad as it is now. I'm really disappointed in myself because i were planning on losing the weight i've gained & it all has just back planned.I'm angry & also disgusted.

Today mom signed on some papers that means we're buying a house, like an extra house ( summer house ) Yeah whatever & it's ours the 17th of April. I can tell more about some other time... Or maybe not. So now that  we're getting  another house that means that i will get a double bed at home yaay.
I've always wanted one & now my wish comes true ( cheesy i know ).


I'm freaking out about school, i can't go at that school forever & sooner or later i have to start on a real school & mom doesn't want me to go back to my old one... I'm scared of leaving that school i want to stay, i like it there. What will happen to me? I refuse to visit more schools or something.
I can't leave... I don't want to, i just don't know what to do...

Okay i'm going to bed, i'm dead tired & if i won't fall asleep soon i will hurt myself. Anyway Jesse is acting crazy as usual & she's growing growing. My baby i love her.

I bought a new hair bleacher or whatever you call it because you can see my nasty roots & stuff.
on't know when i will do it but hopefully soon.


Of Mice And Men – Identity Disorder




Bunnii

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