fredag 28 februari 2014

I can't breathe after all that you've told me.

So in school i've been continuing reading a book & coloring a thing called Mandala i don't know if anyone recognize it but yeah. Panda's probably coming over tomorrow & spending the night hopefully, i haven't seen her in forever! & well i don't think she knows about school stuff & other things.
It doesn't feel so good about what i've eaten today even that i know i haven't eaten that much but still id feels too much.

Yesterday i showed my scars to mom because she wanted to see them & thought that it would help me to resist the urge to cut, so yeah i were really nervous & didn't know how she would react.
She said the were wider? then she thought.

If panda comes we're going to have like an Korean night with korean food ( kimchi ) that we have made that's finished now & then we haven't actually decided more...

I think i'm gonna relapse, what would mom say when she finds out? God this is so fucking hard i miss it's so much. I'm not sure if i'm even going to try stopping myself from doing it, i don't know if i want to stop anymore... It hurts to be like m, to wake up everyday knowing that i have to eat, knowing that i can't walk around with short sleeved without feeling embarrassed & ashamed, no one should feel this way but many do & i think it will always be this way.

Can i really do this? I'm too weak to stand against the urges,

I maybe can make it for another night, i'm trying it's just so damn hard...

That's what i'm asking myself, would mom still love me if i relapse... Would she be disappointed in me, will she be angry?..


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