söndag 26 januari 2014

The hardest part of living is just taking breath to stay.

I hate myself i hate myself i hate myself!!! Why am i like this? Why am i so freaking fat?
Why won't anyone stop me... Please why can't someone kill what's inside my head?
I can't stand myself i hate every second of every day. There's never a single day that's perfect without any bad thoughts, i can't even remember the last day i felt happy. When will i feel happy? Will i b happy? Often i don't want to get well, okay never, it's scary...

I've probably gained weight so... I don't know i really need to cut but i'm not alone, i just need to rip my skin open. You get easy addicted to self harm, so it's not smart to start... Or say "Oh i just did it once, i wont do it again". You can't promise that... Right now i could never see myself to stop, i love it because i hate myself & i'm kinda self destructive. It's a way to show myself how much i hate myself & body. To destroy it is a hobby. If one day i'm clean i might tell mom so i don't need to hide my scars. It will feel better if i tell her.

Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! That's what i am!!! Why can't someone kill me, just end my misery. I can't stand myself. There's too much pain, too much hatred & way too much food.

I maybe should stop eating again, it might get easier... I know it won't but i can trick myself.
I just really want to lose weight...

  I'm not eating anymore, i'm done with food. It's not my friend & never will be. 

I'm gonna live on light products & sugar-free gum. I can't live in this body anymore, this might be my breaking point that i've been telling about... I have to stop eating, i can't go back to normal, i don't want people to see me healthy, lively... I need to be skin & bone. I'm done trying it's not working it's clearly not for me so this is my stopping point.

Goodbye recovery.
& i'm stopping taking my pills so it won't ruin for me. My wish to be skinny is bigger then getting well so why fight anymore? I'm not Anorexia win this time.

Mayday Parade – Miserable At Best


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