lördag 11 januari 2014

I know i've got my problems and it starts with me.

I followed mom to the store, it's raining. I carried groceries in my backpack but it hurt my shoulder...
It's still hurt a little.

My mood is almost at the bottom of the sea, numb & emotionless but inside there's just so much pain that doesn't go away.

It doesn't feel like recovery anymore, in recovery you shouldn't lose weight, i'm having an over depressed day more than usual. It doesn't make sense, i have lost 1.2 kg of what i've gain. I'm almost at the beginning again. My mom thinks my butt has become smaller again, not that it showed much before either but it's even smaller now she says.

Oh i cried again yesterday, i couldn't stop so much things flooded in my head & it became too much so i broke down crying silently in the middle of the night.

I have to tell you about multi family therapy so you can understand what i will tell you sometime.
So it's a therapy with five others families who is in the same situation as me & my family.
The first time we met was four days in a row from 09:00 - 16:00, a whole day.
There i met their parents, some siblings & those who are sick.

We eat lunch & snacks there, like a sandwich or a fruit. We do some exercises/games, like to get to know one another & to know how all of us saw how it was before the ones who's sick, how it's now & how we want it to be after.  You  used other people from different families to "play" your mom, dad, ourselves & sibling(s). Then you decide how they should stand to show how it is & stuff...
It's kinda hard to explain so i'll just drop it.
 So the 15th of January it's relative day, we will invite relatives, friends & we meet each other again.
So i invited Panda to come so she's spending the night the 14th.

If you still don't understand bullocks of what i've told you just search "Multi family therapy eating disorder".

Why can't i just disappear i'm tired of this shit... I just want to give up. I have no reason to keep fighting, there's nothing i want, i have no future i can't get a good job because my grades are barely grades just a lot of F's & -.

Today i feel so fucking disgusting, fat ugly the biggest mistake for everyone who knows me, i want to go away from everyone i know & they'll never see me again.

It's heavy, it's like i'm full of heavy stones in my heart & mind.
It's hard to get up in the morning i just want to stay in bed with Jesse,
It hurts to see my mom because i know that it's my fault she has so little money, why she can't sleep some nights because she's thinking of me...Oh god i'm crying again, i'm so damn pathetic.
My dad almost never sees me because i don't want to live with him, i don't want to see him. I'm the worst honestly.

Mayday Parade – Hold Onto Me


4 kommentarer:

  1. Stay strong babbi <3<3<3 Grades proof nothing , they can eat my shit.

    1. Trying babbii <3 I would be delightful if they ate your shit <3 <3 :P

  2. keep fighting! ♡ i love you! you have to know that we all love you so much

    1. Awwe your're so sweet, i love you too <3