I had this weird feeling before, a calm inside of me that nothing could hurt me but at the same thing everything. It was a feeling of comfort but at the same time it frightens me... But now the feeling is gone & now I feel everything again, it's awful. Why can't I accept that I'm sick, that I'm depressed? I just can't accept it, I don't see myself sick. But I'm tired of feeling like my life is fake that my interest in food is only because of my sickness... It's all a lie, who i think I am I'm not. In reality I don't know who I am instead I think I'm just making myself up in my mind who I want to be. That u want to treat myself like a goddiest, that my body us a temple, to take care if the environment, to be vegan but I'm everything but that. I want to make a difference to help someone but I'm the one who needs help... I'm nobody, I don't know who I am I don't know... I feel so fucking helpless & alone. I'm not strong people should stop thinking that I am because I'm not, I'm weak! It feels like there's nothing here to bring me back who ever "me" is. When will I know who I am? Will I be the person I want to be in my mind or is that thought fake too? Like me. People who knows me probably doesn't like me but they're just blinded, probably feeling sorry for me & in reality they just want to throw me in the dumpsters & to never look back. The only thing I want right now is to be with Panda... Somebody to talk to who will understand, I miss her. If you read this when I post it call me I really don't want to be alone, it feels like i can't be alone because I fear that I will have a breakdown. That everything is going to crash down on me like a tsunami & I would drown. I'm afraid that people will leave me if I never get better or that they figured out that I'm a horrible person & that I'm not the person they thougt I am. What if everyone I care about leaves me? What will happen to me? I don't know I would survive, I probably would but I would feel dead & cold inside. I was just out sitting on the balcony,like an outroom. Taking a breather, I'm not feeling so good,m. Mentally it feels like life's not worth living. It maybe was a mistake coming here, it's like I'm not ready to leave the nest not ready to leave my mommy who actually helped this past year that's been the hardest & who still keeps up with me. Who I can talk to. I might be having a mini breakdown right now so forgive me for this long rambling, I'm just feeling sorry for myself even when it's my own fault I'm in this position. I'm at a really weak state of mind this depressing night... I really feel like smoking right now. What if I never make it to the finish line? I'm actually going to dedicate this post to my mom & my best friend Panda ( but mostly for Panda) for helping me & that you guys still keeps up with my shit, you mean the world to me & I love you. Thanks for me being there for me.
Okay so I wrote this at 1 am & you say that your thoughts are the darkest at night... Right now it's 3 pm & I'm going to try post it as soon as possible.
Bring Me The Horizon – Hospital For Souls