onsdag 29 januari 2014

Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty but i'm smiling at everything.

Mom was having a pretty bad day today because of me, she didn't say it but i know it was because of my huge weight loss yesterday.
Plus we ate pasta with spinach & mushroom & i didn't eat the pasta, i just couldn't ( could i call my anorexia Ana or something? lol ) Ana wouldn't let me eat pasta. No carbs, non.
So there i sat eating the spinach sauce. & as usually we spent talking ( with my brother & mom ) about food & stuff... Ugh. So mom said i had to eat something before bed, later i made my banana-pineapple smoothie. & a half sandwich as mom said i had to eat that too but i threw a piece away in the trash.

I have planned my breakfast for tomorrow & here's the recipe, it's not much so it's exactly my taste!
Mom is working tomorrow so i'm alone in the kitchen so now i can count my breakfast. Dad's picking me up at 9 am sadly... Ugh so do not want to be with him... But mom sees so sick of me... Ugh so much guilt everywhere.  It's a guaranty there's gonna be some arguing tomorrow not looking forward to that.

I had music in school for the first time & i didn't hate it! Wow yay me... So we found a song we're going to play on guitar, it's going to be linked in the end as usual. & i'm going to try play a little at dad because he has a few electric guitars. First we looked on some songs by Sleeping with Sirens but it was too hard... First i showed her some songs/bands i like...

I wonder how much i will weigh on friday...? I really hope that i lose more weight, i hate that i want it but at the same time i love the feeling of it, exactly the feeling i had before... This is not a good sign, what should i do i don't want to let go of Ana... She's my friend, helping me in her own way that everyone else sees cruel but not me i know that it's for a good cause. She keeps me in track, helps me have control over myself... I cant' live without that.
But it's killing my mom & i hate what i'm doing to her but the thing is nothing matters, i give up anything to have Ana with me... I'm so weak everyone thought that i was so good, i eat good, was on the right track. But now i'm broken i can't stop i just keep rolling back & before i know it i will be right where i were before.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home, i can't do the things i want, i don't even want to do so many things because i have lack in everything i don't want to do anything.
My life is not interesting. I wake up make breakfast & eat it, dress, makeup, go to school when it's time ( in between that i lay in bed waiting ), when i get home it's lunch after that i lay in bed or couch with my laptop or phone, in the evening mom & i watch Breaking Bad, dinner, then more bed, then we go to sleep but i sit up cutting or/and computer & laptop. This goes over & over again every single day nothings different except when i'm with Panda.
After a day that looks like this i'm exhausted, so tired i keep yawning & i just want to sleep, & i barely did anything... Embarrassing.

All Time Low – Therapy


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