torsdag 19 december 2013

Kidding i'm posting my lame story.

Okay so i have always been bad in school, bad grades, too loud or too quiet. & when i was about 10 years old my parents divorced & soon after that my mom got breast cancer. I really don't know how it affected me but in some way i think it did.

But yeah, So at the end of 2012 i got my problems with food. At first i stopped eating breakfast, lunch in school, & candy, soda & those unhealthy things.
At the beginning my mom thought i lost a few kilos because i stopped eating candy, but clearly she were wrong. Hah.  I won't say how much weight i lost or anything about my weight because i don't think it's important. The only thing you can know is that i lost quite a lot ( That's what they say ).

So the 12th of June my dad contacted the health center. The doctor asked my weight if i purposely purged & of course i lied.  The doctor said that my BMI was too low & he checked how my body was, like my stomach and back. Then he sent a remittance to a place we call BUP 
(Child & youth psychiatry ) I think i started there in July, it was like really messy we changed doctors, psychologists and that stuff. & some time later i changed to eating disorder centrum.
Like it's BUP   but just for people with eating disorders. After that it went way better.
Like they're more friendly & you feel more welcome...

I lost even more weight in fall/winter, like not long ago.. at all. 
And my blood pressure were pretty low, & my hands & feet were really cold all the time.
I lost a lot of hair when i brush it just like so much falls off ( Still am ). My mom said i looked like an
 70 year old lady because i was so pale & dead like ( This was at the worst ).
Like in November i "decided" i was going to change, start to eat. 
I don't know why but it could be my cousin who was also sick but she's good now.
& i thought i want to have that, i want to eat what i want and not feel bad, to not have to purge it back or that my anxiety and thoughts kept me from falling asleep, hating myself for eating something & i guessed i just got more & more depressed. Looking into the mirror all the time checking how my stomach looked, my legs how much space there were between my legs, my arms, how much my hipbones poked out, my ribs & collarbone.

I was too tired to do anything in school just sat there with music in my ears, thinking about food, my weight, how fat i felt, and how much i hated myself. 

I am still controlled by food, there's stuff i can't eat (let myself eat), i think of calories everyday, then replaying everything i ate through the day. & now i'm kinda stuck... I'm afraid to gain more,
I still eat too little, i haven't really gained that much. I'm still underweight but i feel big, too big. I still think about going back but i won't, i miss the feeling of an empty stomach the pleasurable feeling of not eating in days, the proud sickening feeling. 

Well back to the point, my back & shoulders started to hurt like everyday, it hurt when i walked it always hurt, my mom massaged me everyday but it didn't help. 
I still have pain in my back & shoulders but not as often as before. I wonder how long it's going to hurt.

I am going to get my own psychologist in January hopefully. 

I'm taking Fluoxetin ( Medication for depression & anxiety ), 30 mg. 

If someone read this (Really who would want to read my boring shit story) you can ask me anything, if i forgot to mention something you're curious about :3 

I will write more about me like my non-existing hobbies & what i like & not.

If You Knew <----- Good song, about self harm. 

My medication, i take one of them & one of the white ones. Because they're 20 mg & the white ones are 10 mg ( excuse my chubby & ugly hand, thank you. )


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